Too Nice to be Angry

Getting Comfortable with Anger

I am a really nice girl, and nice girls don’t get angry.
Or so the story goes….

Growing up in an angry home, or more accurately, a home where only certain people were allowed to get angry (the rest of us were on the clean up committee), I never developed a relationship with my own anger. I had seen and experienced the damage that anger caused in our home, and as far as I was concerned, anger was bad. It was destructive and it was dangerous, and I wanted no part of it. And so I became a master at shutting it down and disassociating from it. I locked it away until it had to find other ways to express itself. For me it took shape in cystic acne (my anger bubbling up), anorexia (my anger redirected toward myself), and later asthma (my anger no longer giving me room to breathe).

Dr. Gabor Mate’, author of When the Body Says No, makes a great case that this inability to be angry is killing us. “Only the good die young” could more accurately be stated that those who won’t feel their anger die young. There is a well of research documenting the correlation between major diseases and the refusal to feel and acknowledge our anger. Whoa.

Too Nice to Get Angry

There’s a lot of cultural messaging around anger, especially for women. Getting angry means we are more apt to be dismissed as emotional, crazy, or a “bitch.” Showing anger means we will be labeled as “not nice” and then get us rejected with a “what’s up with her?” Someone’s on rag, has been muttered under the breath in the presence of many a woman. For others, getting angry goes against survival instincts, especially if they’ve grown up with abuse. Don’t talk back, don’t speak up, or you may get it even worse. Make yourself small, appease, and ride it out. And for heaven’s sake, be nice. And so we distance ourselves from our anger. But we’re throwing the baby out with the bath water. We are missing the benefits of our anger. What does anger have to say to us?

Emotions are a part of our inner guidance system and as such, carry vital information. Instead of shutting them down or shaming ourselves for having them, we’d be wise to pay attention. They come with knowledge we can’t get any other way. So, this nice girl is beginning to let herself get angry.

Here’s what I’m discovering…

Anger Signals A Boundary Has Been Crossed.
Last year I allowed a friend’s friend to come to my home with a sales pitch for a brand of kitchen knives I actually love. I like to support young entrepreneurs being an entrepreneur myself, but I had already determined it was not in my budget to buy that day. I politely declined purchasing but said I would be willing to buy something down the road. In fact I had my eye on a couple of knives I’d like to add to my set. But this “gentleman” wouldn’t take no for an answer. Press here, manipulate there, use fear tactics. If you won’t buy the big set, buy the little set. If you won’t buy the little set, buy one. If you don’t buy now it won’t be here later….you won’t be on my preferred customer list…yada yada yada. I hadn’t learned the secret yet of listening to my anger so I bought a knife to get him out of my home. And I was angry. Even though the knife I purchased is my favorite, I will never buy another thing from this man. I don’t answer his calls or emails. It took until the next day before I realized I don’t need to be nice to a person who can’t hear or respect my “no.” Still, I wish I had held my boundary and let go of my need to be nice. I’m learning though. This was just the practice I needed!

In Honoring our Anger We Honor Ourselves.
Years ago I had a friend and business colleague violate a contract causing a job to go sour. The fallout threatened relationships I had spent years building, and I needed to express my anger to Andrea directly, have her hear me out, and acknowledge what went wrong before we could move forward. My trust had been broken. What happened was a big deal to me, and I needed it to be a big deal to her, not an “oops.” Instead she accused me of not being understanding or gracious. It stopped me up short. Was I being ungracious? I went to bed bothered by her accusation because I felt like I had been understanding. This was just one thing too many in a long string of them, and it was a big one! So I slept on it, and woke up the next day to my “knowing.” Yes, my inner voice told me, I was being gracious and I was honoring myself. And that was the day I decided to make friends with anger. I could be both gracious to another and honor myself in acknowledging my anger and speak up. I didn’t need to choose one over the other.

I am Responsible for My Own Anger.
I don’t get to justify poor behavior and bad choices because I’m angry. When has it ever been a good idea to fire off an email in anger or leave that voicemail in the heat of the moment? Anger does not give us an excuse to be impulsive or immature, or a jerk. We don’t justify our actions on the basis of what someone else does or says. That’s just us giving our power away. Anger, when embraced well, calls us to maturity. We process, we consider, then we act or speak in alignment with our goals and values. Anger provides crucial information. What we do with it is our choice and responsibility. For sure it is a powerful emotion and it demands we grow strong to handle it responsibly.

So this “nice” girl is letting her “nice”crown slip a bit. Rather than prioritizing nice, I’m prioritizing healthy. And so I’m experimenting a bit…acknowledging anger, getting curious with it, and then letting it give me the important information it needs to give me. I’m able to be more direct because, as Brene’ Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” I will be kind to myself as well as with others. My anger informs me, and I’m using that information to have healthier relationships with myself and those around me. I live “cleaner.” And anger is helping me be a better parent as I teach my daughter how to be angry, and to handle it when others are angry with her. It’s an important skill. If I can love her and be angry with her, she can love herself and be angry with herself at the same time. She can love others when angry with them. Mature anger does not withdraw love, nor does it cancel it out. We need not fear anger any longer.

So let anger in.
Listen to its voice. Grow wise, grow strong. Let it move through you and leave you with its wisdom. And may you discover more joy in its wake….